Archive for September, 2012

risk blooming

Posted in addiction, recovery, health on September 30, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin

In searching for an affirmation this morning I came across this one.  With power it speaks to me.  I am truly sorry for the people I have wronged in my life when I was addicted and in pain. To finally be set free from all of that is a lifelong process that begins with a choice.  For this moment, this hour, this day I will choose. The only really meaningful apologies are the ones we make with the intention of not repeating the same harm. I wanted to get myself together and grow spiritually first before I apologize to the people I have wronged. I have the power to forgive myself.

I am 14 days without cigarettes, I saved 86.00, and one more day of my life.

It makes me wonder what I did before I smoked. Certainly I must have had something I did that was satisfying to me.  It was suggested to me by former smokers who have quit to focus on what I want from life.  Also to dedicate that time to something worthwhile. I am going to ponder those two things. I just know that quitting has opened a whole new world to me.  A world of knowledge , discovering things, and a devotion to learning.  Perhaps it was always there, but the addiction kept me preoccupied.

I want to focus more on learning.

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secrets

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 21, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

The Breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. – Rumi

I recently quit smoking and am proud for doing so. However pride will not help an addict in recovery.  This will mark my third attempt at quitting.  It was constantly on my mind the idea of quitting, but I would procrastinate and take another puff. Its that first puff you know. The one in the morning that you know you are addicted.  Sitting with a group of friends and they are all smoking, I am okay and not necessarily needing a cigarette.  Its when I am alone and I have to act independently that I know I am hooked. The same with drinking. The same with any other substance.  I got started socially, smoking and drinking. I could have done with out it because it wasn’t the substance I craved but the companionship. The absolute sense of  feeling all alone with my pain. To share with others the burden of shame, trauma, torment whatever it is that you hide away inside is what I sought.

inside me is a Lady

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 20, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Dream  09/09/2012
I dreamed that I had come on a long journey across difficult terrain with  a very close  friend.  After a while we came to a green meadow and into a small town in the country. While visiting in this town there were some attractions. As we wandered around the town it felt as if my friend and I were  being followed. A local policeman in the town kept a sharp eye on us finally stopping to question us.  Since there seemed to be so few visitors we kept getting singled out. What were we doing there? We were laughing to ourselves cause we kept wondering why was he picking us out? There were’nt that many people so naturally not being local we attracted some attention. Not wanting any trouble  we left there ,it would be better to not hang around, even though there was no reason we should be harassed.  

We made our way across some rugged terrain. Coming to a watery plain we laughed and enjoyed the thought that we could manage the walk but the terrain got steadily more rough. We came across  a hot springs where there was a man bathing in one of the pools. The  steam rose from the heated mucky ground. We continued walking across slippery rocks of shallow pools of cool water.  I made my way across an amber  field until we came to a grand estate. It felt as if we were crashing a wedding, cars were lined up outside the estate.  I  followed my traveling companion through an opened second story door.  He says: ” I got you in the door. You will have to get in the rest of the way. Your on your own now.” He  left me there, dangling out of the door struggling to find something to pull on but I was going to fall. I had to get in quickly before I would be seen.
Below was a group of men , including security who were milling around and I was in trouble I had to get up on the ledge and get in to safety before those men saw me and reported me. I had to look like I belonged there.
I was crying to myself softly and struggling, then I realized that if I just relax and lay flat  I could manage to pull myself on to the floor and  in off the ledge. I then closed the door quietly entering the room and pulled myself together. There were  ladies milling around struggling to get into dressing gowns.  No one seemed to notice how I got in or that I was there.  An older gentleman recognized that I was not part of the wedding party and came to my aid, brought me a cup of tea to calm me down. Walked me around to a well-lit area.  Chandeliers sparkled across the shiny marble floors. Candles and glasses tinkling where there was preparation taking place for the wedding.  I recognized an old rival of mine came into the room  dressed for her party.  She looked beautiful and I told her so. My elderly gentleman escort was walking me past a room where the door was open and I saw my traveling companion with another male friend in a spa like room relaxing. I felt safe and protected there. I calmed down, I was now a different woman, a gentile and composed Lady.

pack of lies

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 17, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Lies, lies and more lies.  Pretty soon a person can get sick of lies no matter what the form.  I quit smoking.  This will be my third time in the last 7 years. Third time is a charm they say.  First time was for my health. Ha!  Second time was vanity.  Third time is, well simply put, I am sick of the lies. The lies that come with each fresh pack.  The way I hold it , the sexual manner and personal relationship I have with it.  From the tapping to the lighting of it to the first puff. I cannot wait in between purchases.  The sharing of it with an exclusive club of others huddled around outside the door of a non-smoking joint. Smoking is no joke except on ourselves. Yes, the joke is on us. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile derived from any time spent with cigarettes.  I was a fool to cling to it as long as I have.  The money I have spent, I could have done so many beautiful things with it. That represents 25,000 US dollars.  What could you do with that amount.  That is 12 years of smokings net worth.  Thats not even counting the cigars,  hookah smoke and all the other paraphernalia I purchased for the purpose of smoking; Lighters, cutters, etc. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your spoiled damaged receptors in your body that cry constantly for their momentary fix.  The lies I tell myself that I am glamorous , attractive, sexy.  Yes I am all of those things but without the  smoke and mirrors.  Addiction experts say the third day is the hardest due to the toxins being released from our body. It can take up to 21 days to just break the actual habit of holding the cigarette. For all practical purposes the nicotine leaves your system by seven days. Today I die.  Not really die but it feels like I will without my cigs.  My constant companion of the last twelve years.  What did I do before then?  I somehow managed to get by.  I had other addictions I am certain.  Each more deadly than the other.  Sooner or later we must face the pain that keeps us chasing after some relief.  Is it really all that bad facing your pain?  Is it really all that bad to eat healthy, exercise and take better care of yourself?  Is this the way we show ourselves love?  Is this loving ourselves?  Or is it simply being responsible.  The responsible, sensible, and frugal alternative.  I don’t know , right now I don’t care. I will have to get back with you on that one.

I followed the tragic path into the shadow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 16, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Considering a human life today.  One that had a traumatic start abandoned by parents to live far from family.  A deep inward pain that caused crying for days upon end.  Settled into a life as a child in the country. When meeting this adult there was something  unsettling and disturbing about them. Searching and reaching for the stars. There has to be more to life than this.  Loved by family but letting so few in. The deep horrible stain left by a predator, the scarlet letter of shame . All can identify with this character who died so young so tragically.  Finally coming to terms and finding an inner peace after years of feeling so alone.  Death came so quickly after delivery from torment.  To be loved by so many and yet not to feel that love, only shadows. To dance, to dream, to feel, and finally find peace.

Are we just waiting to die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Of the many paths that we can choose a couple being living in the present moment or living our lives on a word, acting on words we find powerful. Thinking of one path this morning, choosing to live in the moment on a word, love.  That one has always mystified me. Music does that to me. Opens pathways for me to express. My story is one of discovery.  An artist friend Doug told me this morning: ” that art chooses the person…” I am on a journey wanting to fuse my shadow personality into one multidimensional human. I am glad that I can connect with people who understand the pathos and power associated with the artist soul.
I have poured a great deal of energy into my love of learning. I just want to express that love in a very tangible way. I am still making the connection, but in time I know I will see the pattern and it will be easy for me after that.

divine diva of beginnings and endings

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 10, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

I am a stranger here. Passing through trying to make some sense of a life lived. An observer of a life.  I am going to tell the story of a woman who became a young girl, who became a woman again.  She went through the pains of birth several times, she was alive and then she died, she was raised from the dead ashes of a woman’s body several times. She destroyed herself, and then rebuilt. She is a mogul magnate.  Reincarnator divine diva of beginnings and endings.  She goes by several aliases.  I didn’t set out to tell her story. I wanted to write a blog about my works in sculpture.  I became fascinated with her when I was introduced to her. Shortly thereafter I started this blog and that is when  I really came to know her. She could be a creation of mine, a living sculpture.  Why do I want to talk about her?  That remains to be seen. The furthest thing from my mind at the time.  She didn’t seem like a particularly interesting person until I got to know her.  Quiet , reserved and then suddenly zany.  That type of person always fascinates me.  Perhaps she felt comfortable sharing with me and so she opened up. She felt safe.  When I began asking her questions she typically would answer a question with another question. Was that her way of dodging me?  It seems the closer I would come to knowing her the more she would shape-shift and I would become blind-sighted.  Her chamelion-like charm kept my interest. I had to know this woman.  What was she really all about?