Into the dark

Into the dark I go… When I am working in the studio a first step I take is selecting the tone I want to set for the overall picture. How I select the color of paper or the color of the background I want to work into depends on my cerebral choice. If  I am going to work into the dark, I will select a darker paper and use white conte’ or color pastels to work the figure into the ground.  If I want my image to pop I will present a wash into the background and use black and white conte’ crayon to emphasize the image and make it stand out against the background.  Selecting gray paper and working into the gray I move and the hand and eye work together to express.  Inside is a terrified person desperately trying to cover the nakedness I feel.  The vulnerability that I covered , the shame of life now feeling regret where once I was proud, I laughed , I sang, I was moved by the moment. Casting all cares aside I stay in the moment, focusing only upon what I see.

Today I am feeling melancholy. So much of life is do-it-yourself.  The only problem with that is it can wear on you after a while.  Always trying to lift others up when they are falling.  Spending a great deal of time working hard to make progress and move forward, there is always people who are more scared than you that come into your life. They do not want to admit they are terrified.  They use a phony sense of bravado to get through each day.  They are willing to risk all to save face.  I understand this person because I used to be like them.  Drowning in alcohol, cigarettes and mood-enhancing substances, sex, relationships to get through each moment. Not thinking about the cost to myself or others. There has never been any real joy associated with addictive substances.

I realize now that I did not do it all myself.  There are people that have come into my life to teach me something in the great earth school. First in teaching me how to love them, second in teaching me  something about myself.  I have not always been successful learning how to love.  Love came as a result of trying to just understand them, spending time contemplating a way to communicate with them rather than ignore them.  I was taught  The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  When I felt stomped on and kicked around as a result of my own choices I overreacted and decided to do something about it.  I decided to live by my own rules.  I found out I was a dictator.  I did not like the results so much.

Happiness is overrated.  Joy is what I want. Real joy.  The kind a baby feels when it recognizes a familiar face.  I have had moments of pure joy.  A great deal of my life was mirth: wine , men , and song.  Now I just look for joy.  It counters all the sadness, and awful regret I feel. To seek a sense of right living, to do no harm to live as far a possible in peace with all. Even if that idea separates and isolates me from others who would disrespect that ideology.  I do not want uniformity.  I like diversity.

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