Archive for the Uncategorized Category

healthy dependency or unhealthy addiction?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 20, 2015 by jengrabesculpture

Taking some huge baby steps in the path of recovery. I had a huge awakening this morning as a I read in the very popular book by Melody Beattie “The New Codependency”.  It turns out that most recovering alcoholics and addicts (of which I am one) have codependency  underneath.  It caused me to question if I am addicted or pseudo addicted. I don’t need to drink and I have flattered myself for thinking that I didn’t have a drinking problem. When I attended AA meetings , I did not feel as if I belonged there, and felt more at home at the al Anon meetings.Eventually it led to me realizing there was a spiritual problem that I was grappling with. I realized I was drinking and taking drugs to deal with emotional pain caused by codependent behaviors that hurt. It looks like I am drinking alcoholically , and drug seeking, but I am drinking or using drugs to medicate pain that really hurts. When the pain is adequately medicated or stops , my drug seeking and alcoholic drinking stops too. The easiest way to decide is if we can stop with no problem. If we can, we are not addicted. This is how to tell if we have a healthy dependency or an unhealthy addiction, according to Dr. Forest Tennant an addiction and pain management specialist who understands codependency and chronic illnesses: a) healthy dependency on anything improves while addiction destroys our quality of life and ability to function. b) loss of control accompanies addiction.

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my melancholy deepens…

Posted in art, beauty, life, love, relationships, sex, Uncategorized on June 1, 2014 by jengrabesculpture

my melancholy deepens at a time when all I wanted was to be well.  I’ve lost all sense of pride and have fallen into a deep well from which I cannot escape; nor do I want to. Once all I had was pride, now broken, I find  no mend for these shards of a shattered cistern. Is this what it feels like to be truly free? Where is my happiness? From whence this deep sadness, this prolonged grieving for a life not lived? I have lived, I have enjoyed myself, is this a price that must be payed now for having felt happiness?  Was I ever truly happy? Once by your side under the oaks I felt a deep and tender happiness…we shared a brief moment  and time stood still…  a time of secret ecstasy. Two hearts that beat as one I was so warm in your presence and  so accepted let me be buried under those same oaks and know the peace it is just to be near you in death as well as life.

 “It’s not for me to say you’ll love me, it’s not for me to say you’ll always care…as far as I can see this is heaven and speaking just for me it’s ours to share… Perhaps the glow of love will grow with every passing day or we may never meet again, but then it’s not for me to say.”

Is the happiness that I have known all that I shall receive?  Can  more be granted when I have frittered so much away and taken it all for granted?  Am I missing it in my melancholy?  I have not learned nor have i entered into the gift to be content in want and plenty. All around me is blue, my pictures my colors have turned to gray , ashen ghosts follow me.  Too much use of vibrant red has spoiled the canvas now the painful process of  scraping away  working back into the white and ashen ghosts of the canvas of yesterday…

women and men should be friends

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 16, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

I think that is why women are sometimes better remaining friends with a man than a lover.  A man asks to talk to a woman, she can make herself available to talk.  What is the difference when she is in love with him or he with her?  Well there is where it gets more complicated and intimacy can be challenging.  If he is in love with her its easy I believe.  He wants to come to her , to  tell her all of his troubles and naturally so.  Now if she is in love with him I think when it comes to talking she is willing to go more than halfway to meet him.  

We all get tired sometimes and just don’t want to talk, we just want to ‘be’. Whatever that might mean to a person who needs to destress.  Some people need to be with someone and talk it out.  Tonight a friend of mine who I have been talking to for some time asked me if I was available to talk.  I said yes, and as we talked for a while, I felt the intimacy slipping and so I wanted to leave the conversation.  I see a pattern and there are silences getting more frequent between the replies. Instead of being patient and letting him continue to talk I cut him off and told him to go to bed. I failed as a friend and as a lover and I am sorry.

 

to Sigma, I say goodbye, but just for a little while

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

at 11:16 am you were born. I remember the day very well.  Your journey began with me in the month of October. I remember the morning sickness the inability to keep any solid food down. My bodies violent reaction to the the smell of anything greasy in the form of fried foods.  I lived on ramen noodles so it seemed, for the first trimester.  I did not know you would be a girl, I did not know what you would become and that your journey in life would take you so far from me, so far across the sea , to an island in the pacific called Japan.  That your choices in life would include serving in our nation’s service on the USS George Washington. My beautiful girl lent to me for just a little while.  What a lovely lady you have become in such a short span of 26 years time . Today we enjoyed a bowl of Pho with Tofu & vegetables together for lunch.  What a fitting  supper and enjoyable time together.  The gut wrenching ache I feel in my stomach at your departure is reminiscent of the time  you came into my life.  What joy, what pain, what exuberance!!!  My love stays with you always. May you be comforted in your loneliness out on the  sea with this thought.  I say goodbye, but just for a little while.Image

to Sigma

from your loving Momma  

dream of losing self

Posted in Uncategorized on September 6, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

dream awakens me at 1:30 am  and I am terrorized. A man I know comes into my home unannounced he overtakes me and has me cornered in a lock and defeat is pressing on top of me. Fighting for my life , I  break free  from him and as I come to my feet beside him in a split second I grab a heavy metal object and bludgeon him to death; leaving nothing but a mashed pulp of a head for his shoulders.

As I lie in a pool of sweat , breathing heavy, heart racing, I have no idea what that dream is about.  I pray for God’s sweet peace and I fall asleep again.

5:30 am, I am awakened and God’s answer to the dream is  in my thoughts.  Self has been vanquished.  For the first time that dream ends in victory not with defeat. I am at peace within.

3:03 AM

Posted in Uncategorized on September 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

I awaken. The fan overhead sweeps air across my sore body from the work out I put it through.  I light two candles and run the water as hot as I can stand it into the bath.  I ease into the tub and let the hot water soak out the soreness as I lay back. Sleep won’t come without it.  I let out some of the water and sit in the tub as the air cools the top half of my body . I get out and pat myself dry and back to my studio.  Paint smells.  I turn on the light, ” I ‘ve got to finish that painting,” I say to myself.  The emotion is neatly packed away in a hermetically sealed jar. As I open it and smell it, everything comes back, sights, sounds, smells, tastes,  and feeling.  How is it that I can still stay so tied to my core?  All that emotion flows into the stream of paint. I don’t have to feel it anymore, it’s all transferred into the alloys and minerals, light and shadow.  Transferred but not forgotten.  The sound of the 5:00 am train is roaring past.  Rinse out brushes in the paint thinner.  Eyes getting sleepy now.  Would be nice to save the money and take a train ride. I haven’t been on  a train in years. I remember I was in my twenties and it was New Years Eve in South Holyoke Mass…drifting at 3:00 AM

…you always hurt the ones you love…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

The dating scene.  I am a regular member and have been for over 16 years.  Oh yeah, except for that brief time I was married so long ago I barely remember what’s his name.  It’s a pity that once people who were lovers don’t speak to each other anymore.  Why is that ? We exchanged the most intimate parts of our body with another human being but we cannot talk with that person? I suppose it’s true that you always hurt those closest to you.  Perhaps the shame that you both share or the disappointment makes it too difficult to see them in any other light than an outsider.  Where is the love to change all that and make things different?  How are some folks able to do that and not others?  What makes us so different from each other and yet the same?  Just some thoughts on the subject.  I don’t have any answers in time it will all make sense. How are some couples able to bounce back from those differences and others are driven apart?  Life as a single girl has its ups and downs.  Here’s me, not at my finest hour, but hey heartbreak hotel ain’t a nice place to hang out!Image