Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Manchild of wonder…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 7, 2018 by jengrabesculpture
“Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar…
So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through…”-In the circle game
Songwriter: Joni Mitchell
My dear boy, I remember the day you were born into this world. You were very much wanted and I felt it an honor to protect and care for you. Your energy  was boundless and life was a wonder for you. Everyone you met had the most lovely things to say about you and your success was ensured. My dear mother said that you didn’t like to be dragged around the countryside, that you needed home and hearth and you would thrive. She was so correct in her estimation and God love her, she tried to raise me right. For reasons known only to you, I dragged you around from pillar to post and we lived a life on the run. Real and contrived fear of being abducted. Even after there was no longer the threat. How many times can I say I’m sorry? Words fail me. To your credit you have become a respected and successful human being. My father’s prophetic blessing given to me on his deathbed has materialized in you and your sister. I am proud to have carried the child that would one day become such a blessing to so many. Carry on and continue to dream and wonder…your life is only beginning!

healthy dependency or unhealthy addiction?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 20, 2015 by jengrabesculpture

Taking some huge baby steps in the path of recovery. I had a huge awakening this morning as a I read in the very popular book by Melody Beattie “The New Codependency”.  It turns out that most recovering alcoholics and addicts (of which I am one) have codependency  underneath.  It caused me to question if I am addicted or pseudo addicted. I don’t need to drink and I have flattered myself for thinking that I didn’t have a drinking problem. When I attended AA meetings , I did not feel as if I belonged there, and felt more at home at the al Anon meetings.Eventually it led to me realizing there was a spiritual problem that I was grappling with. I realized I was drinking and taking drugs to deal with emotional pain caused by codependent behaviors that hurt. It looks like I am drinking alcoholically , and drug seeking, but I am drinking or using drugs to medicate pain that really hurts. When the pain is adequately medicated or stops , my drug seeking and alcoholic drinking stops too. The easiest way to decide is if we can stop with no problem. If we can, we are not addicted. This is how to tell if we have a healthy dependency or an unhealthy addiction, according to Dr. Forest Tennant an addiction and pain management specialist who understands codependency and chronic illnesses: a) healthy dependency on anything improves while addiction destroys our quality of life and ability to function. b) loss of control accompanies addiction.

my melancholy deepens…

Posted in art, beauty, life, love, relationships, sex, Uncategorized on June 1, 2014 by jengrabesculpture

my melancholy deepens at a time when all I wanted was to be well.  I’ve lost all sense of pride and have fallen into a deep well from which I cannot escape; nor do I want to. Once all I had was pride, now broken, I find  no mend for these shards of a shattered cistern. Is this what it feels like to be truly free? Where is my happiness? From whence this deep sadness, this prolonged grieving for a life not lived? I have lived, I have enjoyed myself, is this a price that must be payed now for having felt happiness?  Was I ever truly happy? Once by your side under the oaks I felt a deep and tender happiness…we shared a brief moment  and time stood still…  a time of secret ecstasy. Two hearts that beat as one I was so warm in your presence and  so accepted let me be buried under those same oaks and know the peace it is just to be near you in death as well as life.

 “It’s not for me to say you’ll love me, it’s not for me to say you’ll always care…as far as I can see this is heaven and speaking just for me it’s ours to share… Perhaps the glow of love will grow with every passing day or we may never meet again, but then it’s not for me to say.”

Is the happiness that I have known all that I shall receive?  Can  more be granted when I have frittered so much away and taken it all for granted?  Am I missing it in my melancholy?  I have not learned nor have i entered into the gift to be content in want and plenty. All around me is blue, my pictures my colors have turned to gray , ashen ghosts follow me.  Too much use of vibrant red has spoiled the canvas now the painful process of  scraping away  working back into the white and ashen ghosts of the canvas of yesterday…

women and men should be friends

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 16, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

I think that is why women are sometimes better remaining friends with a man than a lover.  A man asks to talk to a woman, she can make herself available to talk.  What is the difference when she is in love with him or he with her?  Well there is where it gets more complicated and intimacy can be challenging.  If he is in love with her its easy I believe.  He wants to come to her , to  tell her all of his troubles and naturally so.  Now if she is in love with him I think when it comes to talking she is willing to go more than halfway to meet him.  

We all get tired sometimes and just don’t want to talk, we just want to ‘be’. Whatever that might mean to a person who needs to destress.  Some people need to be with someone and talk it out.  Tonight a friend of mine who I have been talking to for some time asked me if I was available to talk.  I said yes, and as we talked for a while, I felt the intimacy slipping and so I wanted to leave the conversation.  I see a pattern and there are silences getting more frequent between the replies. Instead of being patient and letting him continue to talk I cut him off and told him to go to bed. I failed as a friend and as a lover and I am sorry.


to Sigma, I say goodbye, but just for a little while

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

at 11:16 am you were born. I remember the day very well.  Your journey began with me in the month of October. I remember the morning sickness the inability to keep any solid food down. My bodies violent reaction to the the smell of anything greasy in the form of fried foods.  I lived on ramen noodles so it seemed, for the first trimester.  I did not know you would be a girl, I did not know what you would become and that your journey in life would take you so far from me, so far across the sea , to an island in the pacific called Japan.  That your choices in life would include serving in our nation’s service on the USS George Washington. My beautiful girl lent to me for just a little while.  What a lovely lady you have become in such a short span of 26 years time . Today we enjoyed a bowl of Pho with Tofu & vegetables together for lunch.  What a fitting  supper and enjoyable time together.  The gut wrenching ache I feel in my stomach at your departure is reminiscent of the time  you came into my life.  What joy, what pain, what exuberance!!!  My love stays with you always. May you be comforted in your loneliness out on the  sea with this thought.  I say goodbye, but just for a little while.Image

to Sigma

from your loving Momma  

dream of losing self

Posted in Uncategorized on September 6, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

dream awakens me at 1:30 am  and I am terrorized. A man I know comes into my home unannounced he overtakes me and has me cornered in a lock and defeat is pressing on top of me. Fighting for my life , I  break free  from him and as I come to my feet beside him in a split second I grab a heavy metal object and bludgeon him to death; leaving nothing but a mashed pulp of a head for his shoulders.

As I lie in a pool of sweat , breathing heavy, heart racing, I have no idea what that dream is about.  I pray for God’s sweet peace and I fall asleep again.

5:30 am, I am awakened and God’s answer to the dream is  in my thoughts.  Self has been vanquished.  For the first time that dream ends in victory not with defeat. I am at peace within.

3:03 AM

Posted in Uncategorized on September 3, 2013 by jengrabesculpture

I awaken. The fan overhead sweeps air across my sore body from the work out I put it through.  I light two candles and run the water as hot as I can stand it into the bath.  I ease into the tub and let the hot water soak out the soreness as I lay back. Sleep won’t come without it.  I let out some of the water and sit in the tub as the air cools the top half of my body . I get out and pat myself dry and back to my studio.  Paint smells.  I turn on the light, ” I ‘ve got to finish that painting,” I say to myself.  The emotion is neatly packed away in a hermetically sealed jar. As I open it and smell it, everything comes back, sights, sounds, smells, tastes,  and feeling.  How is it that I can still stay so tied to my core?  All that emotion flows into the stream of paint. I don’t have to feel it anymore, it’s all transferred into the alloys and minerals, light and shadow.  Transferred but not forgotten.  The sound of the 5:00 am train is roaring past.  Rinse out brushes in the paint thinner.  Eyes getting sleepy now.  Would be nice to save the money and take a train ride. I haven’t been on  a train in years. I remember I was in my twenties and it was New Years Eve in South Holyoke Mass…drifting at 3:00 AM