Archive for addiction

healthy dependency or unhealthy addiction?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 20, 2015 by jengrabesculpture

Taking some huge baby steps in the path of recovery. I had a huge awakening this morning as a I read in the very popular book by Melody Beattie “The New Codependency”.  It turns out that most recovering alcoholics and addicts (of which I am one) have codependency  underneath.  It caused me to question if I am addicted or pseudo addicted. I don’t need to drink and I have flattered myself for thinking that I didn’t have a drinking problem. When I attended AA meetings , I did not feel as if I belonged there, and felt more at home at the al Anon meetings.Eventually it led to me realizing there was a spiritual problem that I was grappling with. I realized I was drinking and taking drugs to deal with emotional pain caused by codependent behaviors that hurt. It looks like I am drinking alcoholically , and drug seeking, but I am drinking or using drugs to medicate pain that really hurts. When the pain is adequately medicated or stops , my drug seeking and alcoholic drinking stops too. The easiest way to decide is if we can stop with no problem. If we can, we are not addicted. This is how to tell if we have a healthy dependency or an unhealthy addiction, according to Dr. Forest Tennant an addiction and pain management specialist who understands codependency and chronic illnesses: a) healthy dependency on anything improves while addiction destroys our quality of life and ability to function. b) loss of control accompanies addiction.


pack of lies

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 17, 2012 by jengrabesculpture

Lies, lies and more lies.  Pretty soon a person can get sick of lies no matter what the form.  I quit smoking.  This will be my third time in the last 7 years. Third time is a charm they say.  First time was for my health. Ha!  Second time was vanity.  Third time is, well simply put, I am sick of the lies. The lies that come with each fresh pack.  The way I hold it , the sexual manner and personal relationship I have with it.  From the tapping to the lighting of it to the first puff. I cannot wait in between purchases.  The sharing of it with an exclusive club of others huddled around outside the door of a non-smoking joint. Smoking is no joke except on ourselves. Yes, the joke is on us. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile derived from any time spent with cigarettes.  I was a fool to cling to it as long as I have.  The money I have spent, I could have done so many beautiful things with it. That represents 25,000 US dollars.  What could you do with that amount.  That is 12 years of smokings net worth.  Thats not even counting the cigars,  hookah smoke and all the other paraphernalia I purchased for the purpose of smoking; Lighters, cutters, etc. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your spoiled damaged receptors in your body that cry constantly for their momentary fix.  The lies I tell myself that I am glamorous , attractive, sexy.  Yes I am all of those things but without the  smoke and mirrors.  Addiction experts say the third day is the hardest due to the toxins being released from our body. It can take up to 21 days to just break the actual habit of holding the cigarette. For all practical purposes the nicotine leaves your system by seven days. Today I die.  Not really die but it feels like I will without my cigs.  My constant companion of the last twelve years.  What did I do before then?  I somehow managed to get by.  I had other addictions I am certain.  Each more deadly than the other.  Sooner or later we must face the pain that keeps us chasing after some relief.  Is it really all that bad facing your pain?  Is it really all that bad to eat healthy, exercise and take better care of yourself?  Is this the way we show ourselves love?  Is this loving ourselves?  Or is it simply being responsible.  The responsible, sensible, and frugal alternative.  I don’t know , right now I don’t care. I will have to get back with you on that one.